PART 2 - Parenting, Privilege, and Pinot Noir

Hey Ya’ll,

I’m finally back in Atlanta! But while I was in Florida, I had some bold conversations about race.

Remember my mom’s neighbors? The Haitian mom and the Trinidadian mom I’ve gotten close with? Well, we had another Friday night wine-down. It started with laughs and good vibes like usual, but again ended in a deep and unfiltered conversation about race and ethnicity. . No article this time—just another real moment I want to share. Heads up … there will be a part 3 and 4!

RESOURCE: 

Story Time … 

A few weeks ago, I was running late to a mom’s night with Claire, the Haitian mom, and Tiff, the trini mom. By the time I walked into Claire’s home, they had already poured the wine and kicked off the fun without me. The house? Gorgeous. Smelled divine. Looked like something out of Architectural Digest. Which is especially impressive with two toddlers under 4!

We plopped onto the couch, caught up like moms do, and I kept complimenting Claire’s home. But then I said, “Okay seriously… how does your house smell this good?”

After Claire shared her methods she laughed and said, “Girl, I’ve always been super aware of the smell, I don’t want to leave the house smelling like food. You know how Haitian households are.”

We all cracked up. Reflecting on  memories of our grandmothers’ kitchens and that’s when I added, “Well poor EJ! That boy goes to school smelling like curry, onions, or paprika sometimes.” Cracking up thinking about how my house often smells like a fresh ethnic stew.

That’s when the mood shifted.

Tiff looked at me, eyes wide, and said, “Wait… you cook curry?”

I laughed and said, “Of course! I’m from Miami. I knew how to make curry before collards. My childhood was full of Caribbean influences. My friends’ families, the food, and the culture.”

And that’s when it happened.

Tiff (the white presenting Trini) looked at me and said, “Now I get why I like you so much. I usually don’t vibe with Black Americans, but you’re basically Caribbean.”

Claire (the Haitian mom)  jumped in: “Yeah! That makes sense now. That’s why your mom is so posh.” As if elegance, eminence, and education, is somehow unexpected for a Black American.

And just like that… what started as a compliment slid straight into a coded critique.

My smile dropped.

I immediately said, “Actually, I’m very American. My mom’s family has been in Florida since the early 1800s and in the U.S. since the 1700s.”

QUICK LESSON:

Culture and group identity are layered and sometimes complex. Most people want to be seen as individuals, but they also want their group membership to be valued.  I’m Ama. A Black woman who’s a mom that attended Tuskegee University, an HBCU. Of course I want to be appreciated for who I am as a person, but I also want all my group affiliations to be respected. Because they shape how I see the world and how the world sees me.

So when they said I wasn’t like “regular” Black Americans, I was offended. What the hell does that even mean? We’re not a monolith. That kind of statement might sound like a compliment on the surface, but it reinforces stereotypes, white normativity, and ignores the richness and complexity of Black American culture.

Here’s the bottom line. When you try to disconnect someone from their cultural identity, whether you mean to or not, it’s not a compliment. It’s a form of erasure. It sends the message that their group isn’t worthy of pride or association. And that is never okay!

Okay, back to the story … 

I’m sure you’re wondering how I responded. Well, though I was offended, I mentally told myself, “Ama, girl, we’ve had these type of conversations before. Just use it as a teaching moment.” So that’s when I said: “You know, I often have these type of conversations and here’s the thing. If I don’t fit in your stereotyical box of what Black Americans are, then expand your box. Maybe it’s too narrow. “

Then I leaned in by asking:

“Why is it that some immigrants feel the need to distance themselves from the very people who paved the way for them to be here? Are you familiar with the Civil Rights Act of 1964? That work made space for the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965. You’re literally here because we fought.”

Tiff’s face softened. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

I told her, “I know. But what you said reflects a bigger issue.”

Then Claire shared something honest. She said her Haitian father didn’t like Black Americans either (eluding to his very narrow box). He owned a phone store in a low-income neighborhood and had some rough experiences. But when I asked more questions, what he experienced wasn’t about race, it was about poverty, systemic disinvestment, and the frustration that comes with it.

Then came the language conversation.

Claire said, “Ama, I still don’t understand Ebonics. It sounds like a choice to sound uneducated.”

Ya’ll I felt my body temperature rising with this one. That’s why we’ll discuss that conversation in Part 3! Tune in to hear what happened next. . .

REVELATION: 

There’s so much to glean from this conversation. Individual versus group identity. Race versus ethnicity. But if you don’t learn anything else, I want you to take away these two things …

1. What starts as light conversation can quickly uncover the quiet biases people carry about identity and stereotypes, even from well meaning friends. But staying in the discomfort and choosing to speak truth with both courage and clarity can crack open a door for learning.

2. You don’t get to compliment the “exception” while holding on to harmful ideas about the whole. That’s not admiration. That’s erasure. So work on expanding your box of ideas about the whole!

REFLECTION: 

Take a moment to journal:

• When have I felt “othered” or unintentionally made someone else feel like the exception?

• Am I willing to challenge my own cultural assumptions or am I just looking for people who reinforce them? How will I challenge them?

Call To Action: Go ask someone of a different Race, Ethnicity, or Religion: “What part of your culture do you wish people better understood?”

If you found this helpful or interesting please share!!

Ama Agyapong, MBA

CEO | Principal Strategist | Inclusion Enterprises

+1 404 348 8284

[email protected]

www.inclusionenterprises.org

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